


we danced as the evening sky faded to black

by TheRurrJurr



Series: one step up and two steps back [8]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Gold Medal Plates, Here be angst, Mallorca, or great kitchen party, seriously angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 11:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18810403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRurrJurr/pseuds/TheRurrJurr
Summary: "Somewhere along the line I stepped off track."





	we danced as the evening sky faded to black

**Antwerp, Belgium  
June 5, 2018**

"I heard a rumor that next year's in Spain," Scott tells her.

Tessa glances over at him from their perch on a bench overlooking the square. "Yeah?"

He bites into his waffle. "From Jen. Mallorca, apparently." He reaches around and puts his arm around her shoulders. "Right around your birthday."

"Ooh. I heard they have great beaches there." There's a twinkle in her eye.

"I heard the same." His voice is low as he continues. "It could be legendary. Flamenco dancing, wine, the Mediterranean, you in a bikini," he pulls her tighter and nuzzles her neck as she giggles

"You in swim trunks climbing out of the water like James Bond," she teases.

"Oh yeah, me a year and a half removed from the Olympics with my beer gut running around in a swimsuit, who could resist that." He rolls his eyes.

She snuggles in closer to his shoulder. "I told you I don't care what you look like."

He grins and presses a kiss to the top of her head. "Good, because once this competition metabolism goes, it's gone."

"Just wait 'til I start having kids and I'm waddling around everywhere." She stops herself before that particular conversation goes any further (they haven't had it yet, but it's probably coming soon). "So. Spain. In the spring? Right before I turn 30 and everything goes downhill?"

"Watch who you're talking to, I'm an old man." He looks down at her and his tone softens. "These last few days have been a lot of fun, eh?"

"Yeah," she agrees and rests her head on him. "I kind of wish people wouldn't show up tomorrow and it would just be us this week," she admits.

"We'll do something after the tour ends in the fall," he assures her. "God, Jen'll have that stupid phone on us everywhere this week, won't she?"

"Think she knows?"

"Of course she knows. She's good for not saying anything."

"Okay." She looks up at him. "Think we'll still want to do this next year?"

"What, hang out on a beautiful island with you? I sure as hell hope so."

She grins and leans in for a quick kiss. "So we'll tell them we're in?"

"So in." He pulls her in again. He tastes like chocolate syrup and fried dough and she lingers as long as she can.

She doesn't want to move from this spot, ever. She's not sure if she'll ever be this happy again.

***  
**La Palma, Mallorca  
May 12, 2019**

She's always been a planner, to a fault. Taking a methodical approach made more sense than just hanging on and going with the flow. There was always beauty in the details and the follow-through. Imagining. Visualizing. Realizing. It had won them three golds and brought her a lot of professional success in a short time frame. Where it came up short was personally, where there was a lot that was out of her control and variables that came up without warning. In those moments she wished she had more of a go-with-the-flow mentality, as impossible as it was to imagine herself doing.

Like so much of the last year, this isn't how she imagined things going.

Having him back in April had been good. They had fallen into a nice, professional rhythm and were genuinely excited about the tour. They got ice time. Korea was weird, thanks to a couple different things, but she finally felt like they were getting somewhere, even if it wasn't where they were before. There were times she forgot Jackie even existed (naive and stupid of her, she knew, but it was a good feeling). It was almost like having the old him back. Almost. Before he went and did...him again.

_He told her she was coming when they were in Toronto, after they had spent the evening in a suite at the Scotiabank Centre, making sarcastic remarks about "Stars On Ice" and taking giggly selfies after a few too many Molsons. When they end up back at the hotel at the end of the night, he drags her into his room. "Can we talk for a second?"_

_Tessa blanches. "I don't...right now or...?"_

_Scott reads her face and turns red. "No, no, no, not about...no, no, something else."_

_She relaxes. "Okay. Yeah, sure." She still doesn't have a great feeling about things but follows him into his room._

_Shutting the door behind her, he turns to face her with his arms crossed. "I, um..." he reaches up to rub his neck. "I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I'm going back to Florida tomorrow."_

_She can feel the color drain from her face. "Oh." Her stomach starts to churn. "I mean, you haven't been there in a month, I guess that makes sense." She knew it was coming, eventually. Doesn't make it any less disappointing or any more of a slap in the face from reality._

_"Yeah," he responds. "And then we're flying out from Tampa on Tuesday. It's something ridiculous, like Tampa to Atlanta to Paris to Mallorca, I don't know, there's, like, three stops."_

_She takes a breath. "She's coming?"_

_Scott swallows. "Yeah, I mean..." He avoids Tessa's eyes. "Yeah. I mean, didn't you guys talk in Korea or whatever? Like, it'll be fine."_

_Tessa clenches her jaw, willing back angry tears. "Well, I'm glad you think it's a good idea."_

_Scott sighs. "I just wanted to let you know so you weren't, like, surprised or anything."_

_(she mentally kicks herself. she shouldn't be surprised by anything anymore)_

_"Okay."_

_Scott raises an eyebrow. "Are you mad about it or...?"_

_Tessa bites the inside of her lip. "I mean, if you want her to be there then what can I do about it? That's your choice."_

_He looks around nervously. "Fuck, Tess..."_

_"Thanks for the heads-up." She moves past him towards the door. "See you Wednesday?"_

_A flash of confusion and sadness crosses his face. "Yep, Wednesday."_

_"Okay."_

_She manages to make it to her hotel room before retching into the toilet._

So she's put on a happy face for the last few days and been nothing but cordial to him, because that's what rich people paid to see (and has been lovely to Jackie, even if they're still not friends), and has graciously answered questions about post-Olympic life. No, they haven't decided on retirement (that would require them speaking about something other than skating, one-on-one, without anyone else around), yes they're excited about the fall tour (sure, why not, it's not like she wants him to fall off into the abyss even worse than currently), her sponsorship work is going great, thanks, yeah, looking into MBA programs is intimidating but exciting, no, she's not dating anyone right now, she doesn't really have the time, but you never know what can happen! (barf)

If she's good at anything else besides skating, it's faking it so that no one has a clue anything is up. Right now she'd give herself a ten out of ten for that.

She misses Jen and constantly being followed around with a camera, as annoying as it may have been at times, and always having a shopping and chocolate buddy if she needed it. She misses Miku's warm hug, gorgeous voice and sisterly advice. She misses someone furtively reaching under the table and squeezing her hand at dinner, letting her know they were there. She misses giggly, spontaneous, somewhat tipsy dances in the middle of dimly lit alleys in front of strangers. She misses coming back to a shared hotel room and a strong pair of arms circling her after an exhausting day of socializing, schmoozing and exploring.

She misses not reliving and not second-guessing everything she did or said. She misses what this trip could have been, had she not made so many mistakes last year.

They're setting up for their standard "partnership, complicated relationship, here's how we won the Olympics" talk on the fifth night of the trip (hoping to avoid another "bandmates" moment, and if they were in a better place she might tease him about that a little), and it's the first moment they've had alone since they arrived. It's an odd feeling.

They finish finalizing whatever "script" they're going off of and gives her a tight-lipped smile. "Fun trip, eh?"

Tessa nods. "It's really beautiful here, yeah."

Scott tilts his head. "I know that Belgian chocolate and French architecture is more your style, but you've seemed to enjoy yourself."

She shrugs and looks outward, not meeting his eyes. "I like wine and tapas, too."

He chuckles and pauses. "The finer things."

She exhales. "I guess." After months of keeping her personal distance, she's not especially eager to spend more time with him than necessary. Especially as Jackie chats with a guests just ten feet away about...God knows what.

She's nowhere near calling them friends (they never will be), but Tessa hasn't totally hated the moments she's spent with her over the last few days. She's turned out to be more self-aware than Tessa expected, if not a little ditzy and too into the wine tasting parts of the trip, but it hasn't been completely painful.

_She's coming up around a bend on the trail, chatting with a nice older couple from Barrie, when she spots Jackie hunched over against the wall, catching her breath. "I'll catch up with you guys," she says to them and walks over to Jackie. "You alright?"_

_Jackie looks up at her. "Yeah, I'm good. I forgot how out-of-shape I am," she says with a laugh. "You go ahead without me."_

_"No, it's fine, I'll take a breather." Tessa leans back against the wall next to her and tries to think of something to say. "New Zealand and Spain in just the last few months, your coworkers and friends must be jealous."_

_Jackie takes a gulp of water. "I picked a place with a decent PTO policy. I lucked out there. I'm ready when you are." She stands back up and continues on the path, Tessa keeping pace with her._

_"I'd love to travel more this year and next. You know, outside of work and skating obligations."_

_"I mean, if you do the MBA stuff, you at least get spring break," Jackie points out._

_"True," Tessa responds. "I don't know if spring break is really my scene, though? Like wet t-shirt contests and bad drinks in Florida, it doesn't seem - " She stops herself. "Sorry, I mean - it's nothing against - no offense - "_

_Jackie laughs. "No, I get it. It's totally valid criticism. I doubt grad students go on that kind of spring break anyway." She glances around. "I don't know, I still find it kind of fun. Florida's just one giant gross party, I guess."_

_Tessa decides to pivot the conversation. "Are you having fun here so far?"_

_Jackie shrugs. "Sure. It's beautiful. But I don't know, the trip itself is kinda weird."_

_Tessa glances over. "Yeah? How so?"_

_Jackie sighs. "I just didn't realize this was going to be, like, a work thing for you guys."_

_Tessa nods. "Yeah, it kind of comes with the territory. Do some fun things but make some money, give back, whatever." She looks over at Jackie. "What did you expect?"_

_Jackie rolls her eyes. "I don't even know. He begged me to come, sold me on how much fun it would be, and how beautiful it is, and how much fun you guys have had on these things before..."_

_(Bullshit, Tessa thinks. She would never call Scotland "fun")_

_"...and now we're here and I never see him because he's basically working, which is fine, or if he wants to, like, show me off, which is...weird." She stretches out her arm. "I don't know. I guess I was expecting something totally different." Jackie looks around. "I have no idea where he is, actually."_

_Tessa glances behind her. "Me neither." She kicks a rock out of her path. "Did he even come on this?"_

_Jackie flops her hands at her sides. "No clue, he just kind of grunted when I asked about it this morning. Like, dude, you brought me here and you're going to say three words to me the entire time? Whatever." She tightens her ponytail. "I don't know. This reality is not living up to my expectations."_

_Tessa chuckles. Join the club._

True to form, he had mostly been hidden this trip. He's schmoozed with everyone when he's had to, charmed middle-aged women, talked sports with the guys, and has almost completely avoided Tessa (to be fair, she's been keeping her distance too). It's shades of Scotland, all over again, in slightly better weather.

"You okay?" Scott asks.

She nods, maybe too enthusiastically. "Mm hmmm."

Scott eyes her. "If you say so."

"What do you want me to say?" Tessa asks. "I'm fine."

"Tess."

She stares at him for moment, then looks away. "This time last year, even this time six months ago..." She fiddles with her rings. "I just pictured all this happening so differently."

He swallows and bites down on his lower lip. "Me too."

"I mean, everything we had been talking about, coaching and the MBA and whatever comes after all that, and this trip, I just thought we'd figure all that stuff out together." She can't look at him. "It's still really hard to accept that we're not."

He leans forward, resting his forearms on the high top table in front of him. "I really, really fucked this one up, didn't I?"

Tessa slowly nods. "Yeah. Yeah, you did." She pauses and carefully considers what she wants to say next and if it's worth it. "And you still brought her here."

Scott's eyes widen. "She booked the trip months ago, I couldn't just tell her no - "

"Like you couldn't just tell her "no" last fall, right?" Something unreadable flashes across his face. "You knew it would hurt and did it anyway. And that is the story of our life."

He exhales and turns away from her. "Tess, come on, I..."

"You what?" He's slouched over, not making eye contact. "You're sorry? Because I've been hearing a lot of that lately without much to back it up. I mean, you're home, we're back on the ice, you're with your family, we're spending time together and it's good, even if it's not what it used to be, and then the minute she's back in the picture you regress to this...jackass I barely recognize."

"I don't know, I guess I wanted to see if it was possible to have it work with both of you around."

Tessa gives him a disbelieving look. "Given how all this started, you really thought I'd be okay with it?" He shakes his head and rubs his neck. "You cannot have both. Not with how it came about. If it had been a clean, mutual break and you started dating someone else, it would have hurt like hell but maybe it would have been okay in the long run." She firmly stares him down. "None of this has been okay. It won't be for a long time. I can't tell if you're being overly optimistic and naive or just...stupid, but I'm not okay. You're not, either. It's like whatever progress you made over the last three years was just tossed out the window."

He clenches his jaw. "You kicked me out."

"And you were surprised by that?" His face is blank and she turns away. "I think we're good to go with this. We've done it plenty of times before."

The talk is pretty much the usual fare for them, one she could probably give on autopilot. There's a few new bits peppered in - life post-competition, what it's like planning a tour, transitioning into a "normal" life. It's fine. Until the relationship topic comes up and she wants to crawl inside herself.

"I mean, we're not lying when we say we have a complicated relationship because there's so much that goes into it," he begins. "But in this time of transition, it's good to have each others' backs."

(it takes everything in her to not laugh at loud)

"And actually, I think most of you have met my girlfriend, Jackie, who's hiding in the back and has been so supportive and helpful with my post-Olympic transition. I'm really proud of how I've handled it so far."

Tessa pretends that hearing that didn't feel like a gut punch. Jackie awkwardly waves from the last row, briefly making eye contact with Tessa while giving her an apologetic smile. Tessa takes a deep breath and looks away before the moment can get more uncomfortable.

Afterwards, Tessa makes her way through the crowd. Jackie's sitting at the back bar, a tense expression on her face, and Tessa slides in next to her, giving her a quick smile as a greeting, and orders a glass of rioja. Jackie's the first to speak. "I've never heard such bullshit in my life."

Tessa turns to face her. "What do you mean?"

Jackie rolls her eyes. "No offense, I'm glad those B2 guys helped you win, but he's proud of his transition since last year? I don't know what it's like when he's with you, but he just sits on my couch all day and, like, goes to the beach." She scoffs (and she's not drunk, so she must be really pissed off). "Some transition."

Tessa sighs. "He seemed to be doing better in Canada, honestly. Better than I was expecting."

Jackie groans. "Why does that not surprise me? I should have known better."

The bartender comes back with Tessa's drink and she slides a tip across the bar. She's happy to let Jackie rant for now. Especially since it seems like they have a lot of similar thoughts on the situation.

"Do you know how many things he's turned down this year? Fucking everyone wants him to coach for them, but he won't even think about getting the certifications or doing stuff beyond, like, two days every month." Jackie shakes her head. "I told him that I don't care if he has to be gone for a while while he does it. I'm a big girl. Just, like, do something. And calling me out, what was that?" Jackie takes a gulp of her drink. "I know everyone thinks I'm some kind of attention whore, but, like, tell me before you do that."

Her shoulders sag. "I feel like he's almost using me, you know? Like, to make a point? "Hey, I'm fine, I'm moving on, I can have a life without Tessa and skating, everyone look at my girlfriend, guess what, she's not Tessa, also I live in Florida now because no one knows me there and I like that and it's super-easy." But I'm actually trying here. Like, this isn't some stupid game for me." She takes another sip and looks over at Tessa. "I mean, who is he trying to prove this stuff to? Himself? Me? Everyone?" She looks down into her glass. "I'm gonna catch the early shuttle back to the hotel, I'll see you there." She hops off her stool and leaves the room wordlessly.

Scott wanders over from the group he was chatting with and stands next to Tessa. "What's with her?"

Tessa sips her drink and shrugs. "Tired, I guess."

Scott grunts in response. "How do you think we did?"

Tessa nods. "Fine."

He raises an eyebrow. "Just fine?" He slyly smiles. "I think we still got it, right?"

"Absolutely," Tessa responds. "I think we're both still pretty good at selling a story to ourselves and everyone else." She takes her drink and wanders over to a group of guests as something unreadable flashes across his face.

***

Three nights later, everyone's gathered in the hotel bar for Jim's closing performance. Tessa's standing at one end of the room, chatting with a group she's become friendly with, while Scott and Jackie are at the other end of the bar together.

"Do you two get along?" one woman in the group leans over and asks.

Tessa tilts her head. "Scott and I? Of course."

"No, I mean you and - Janey? Jackie?"

Tessa politely smiles at the woman (Karen? Debra? Cheryl? Everyone's sort of blended together at this point). "Jackie. To be fair, I don't really know her all that well. But yes, she's lovely from what I've seen."

"Well, I think it's wonderful that Scott's able to balance both of the women in his life," the woman says sweetly.

Tessa smiles at the woman. "Yes, I'm very lucky." How no one has picked up on the tension, she's not sure. Or, maybe like her partner, they're willfully ignoring it and hoping it'll go away. Tessa looks around the room, waiting for the music to start before her eyes drift over to the bar.

Jackie meets Tessa's look and raises her eyebrows as a quick greeting before taking her drink from Scott and settling into their barstools. The deja vu coming over her is overwhelming and she rests her head against the wall, searching for an anchor to make sure she isn't hallucinating.

***  
_"Is he okay?"_

_Tessa turns her head towards Jen. "Who? Scott?"_

_Jen eyes Tessa suspiciously and sips her drink. "Why has Kaitlyn been hanging out with you more than with him?"_

_Tessa grunts in response. "I don't know. Maybe it's something at home. He doesn't really tell me much when he gets in these moods." He and Kaitlyn are at the other end of the room, him standing up with her perched on a barstool._

_Jen narrows her eyes and looks at Tessa. "What did you doooo," she teases._

_Tessa nearly does a spit-take. "Why are you blaming me?" she says with a laugh. "I'm having a blast with you guys." She looks across the room at Kaitlyn and Scott and Kaitlyn gives her a little wave. "I think she's just as confused as us."_

_The year and a half since Sochi had been a roller coaster - they were drunkenly hooking up post-silver, they were friends, Kaitlyn came to Ilderton, they weren't really friends, they were back to being friends, they were skating to "Say It Right" and working out their feelings against a wall, they were skating to a song about blow jobs while Kaitlyn looked on, he hadn't said more than five words on this trip. All while she managed a personal life that was going nowhere and a professional life that was starting to look up._

_There was still something gnawing at her that had gotten louder since arriving, however. She couldn't quite put her finger on it._

_"Your boo is a mess," Jen plainly states._

_"And it's not my problem," Tessa insists. "Why are you not listening to your husband sing?"_

_Jen laughs. "Nice pivot."_

_"Thank you." There's polite applause as Johnny's finishing his song and handing over the mic to Miku._

_"This is, uh..." Miku adjusts the mic, "a new take on one of my favorites." Tessa shifts and leans against the wall, angling for a better view as Miku begins._

_You must understand though the touch of your hand_  
Makes my pulse react  
That it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl  
_Opposites attract_

_She's kind of an old music connoisseur and recognizes it instantly. It hits something inside her that she hasn't felt in a while. Her gaze goes towards the ground, willing herself to ignore that feeling._

_Something across the room is pulling her gaze and she looks up to see Scott looking - staring - intently at her. They lock eyes for a few intense moments as the song continues._

_It may seem to you that I'm acting confused_  
_When you're close to me_  
_If I tend to look dazed I've read it someplace_  
_I've got cause to be_  
_There's a name for it_  
_There's a phrase that fits_  
_But whatever the reason you do it for me_

_He's looking down now, apparently entranced by the ice cubes floating around in his drink, and tracing the rim of his whiskey glass with his fingertips. After a moment he looks back up and Tessa's eyes meet his again. The song continues and it's like she's entranced._

_(if she had been paying attention, she would have seen Kaitlyn nervously glancing between them before staring at the ground for the rest of the song)_

_I've been taking on a new direction_  
But I have to say  
_I've been thinking about my own protection_  
_It scares me to feel this way_

_The song ends and the spell is broken with the room breaking out into applause. Thank God, she thinks. Tessa's gaze falls to the floor and Scott shifts in his stool before standing up, leaving Kaitlyn behind as he walks towards Tessa._

_"Need a refill?" he asks when he gets to her, gesturing to her empty glass._

_She nods (she needs a drink on so many levels, she thinks). "Great song."_

_"Mm hmm," Scott agrees. "We should choreograph something to it."_

_"Yeah." Tessa looks everywhere but at him. "Let's talk to Marie when we get back."_

_"Yep." He hands her the drink before heading back to his perch near Kaitlyn. He and Tessa don't look at each other for the rest of the night._

***  
Jackie and Scott take their drinks as Jim begins his set. It's pleasant, easy-going music, kind of mindless but a good cap to the trip. Jackie's nervously sipping her drink next to Scott while Scott mindlessly scrolls through his phone and applauds at the end of each song.

It's fine until the second-to-last song of the night and Tessa suddenly can't wait to be anywhere else.

"This is," Jim pauses and glances between her and Scott. "This is for partnership." She smiles at the stage and glances over to the other side of the room. Scott puts his phone down but won't look at her or anyone else. She vaguely recognizes the song from the CBC montage they sprung on them in Pyeongchang.

_There's papers scattered on the lawn_  
_Birds up on the line_  
_There's letters left unopened here_  
_That never is the time_  
_There's messages I should return_  
_And people I should call_  
_I'm still tripping over echoes_  
_Left lying in the hall_  
_There's a light that comes through the darkness_  
_Slowly to my eyes_  
_You can fall back here forever_  
_I just never realized_  
_Oh time won't let me go_  
_And every night I know_

She looks over at Scott, who's gone from staring at the stage to staring at the ground and still not looking at anyone. Jackie glances over at her, expressionless, and Tessa examines her glass, studying it intently in an effort to avoid looking at him.

_That you could pull me through_  
_You could always pull me through_  
_Even when I'm lying here_  
_Drowning in my blues_  
_You take the sting out of the rain_  
_And bring the sun back up again_  
_And you could always pull me through_

The nausea sets in for the rest of the song. She clenches her jaw, trying desperately not to get emotional, but her eyes find him anyway. He's staring straight ahead at the band now, ignoring everyone else.

_I hope you're traveling well now_  
_And there's stars over your head_  
_And I hope the river carries you_  
_Everywhere you said_  
_Well I miss the way you look at me_  
_The way you wear your hair_  
_And I miss the conversations we left hanging in the air_  
_Oh late at night I wake up_  
_Wonder what's been done_  
_But I know our life together will go on_

She takes a deep, calming breath, willing the feeling to pass. This isn't invigorating, nervous, or anticipatory like it was four years ago. This is everything from the last six months physically manifesting itself and she grasps her glass, hoping that the chill of the ice will jolt her back into reality.

_God, how did this all get so fucked up._

Scott bolts out of the bar once the song ends, leaving Jackie in his wake with a confused look on her face. Her eyes briefly meet Tessa's before Tessa looks away and joins the rest of the audience in applauding the band. Jim intros the next song while she surreptitiously places her empty glass on the bar before sneaking out.

She finds him hunched over in a side hallway, shoulders shaking. His breathing is erratic, his eyes unfocused. She approaches him slowly. "Hey." He takes a deep breath. "Hey."

He looks up at her before shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut. She moves forward and wraps her arms around him as he sags into her embrace. She feels the weight of everything on him as she slowly, assuringly rubs his back. "I'm here," she whispers as he grasps onto her. "It's gonna be okay, I'm here."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." His face is buried in her neck as the sobs run through him, his tears wetting her shoulder. "I fucked everything up, I never should have done that to you - "

Tessa squeezes her eyes shut, pulling him in tighter. "It's okay, I don't care. It's gonna be fine."

"I should have waited, I'm so sorry I didn't, I'm so sorry - "

She bites her lip, shoving aside her own bitterness. "It doesn't matter. We'll be fine."

"You were right," he sobs into her shoulder. "I'm not okay, none of this is okay, I'm so sorry."

"I know, I know," she soothes, rubbing circles onto his back, doing anything to calm him down. "But it's okay now. I'm here. Just breathe with me, okay?"

"No, I - I fucked everything up. You're always here and I'm not, you've always been there," he whispers and clutches onto her for dear life. "And I've never been there, I've never done anything for you, I only hurt you, that's all I'm good for - "

"That's not true," she insists, gently lifting his head off her shoulder and wiping away a tear on his cheek, desperately trying not to cry herself. "Stop. That's not true."

"Yes it is, that's all I do - "

"No, it's not. It's not. I promise you, it's not."

"Tess, no, I know it is, it's just like - " He clings to her tighter. "I don't know, it's - I can't - "

"Hey, tell me," she says, pushing his hair out of his face. "It's okay. Breathe. Then tell me."

He shakily inhales, eyes unfocused, and tries to collect himself before starting. "It's like there's been this voice inside my head, for, I don't know, forever, that whenever we get close to getting it right," he rubs at the corner of his eyes and tries to catch his breath, "it, just, it comes up and just reminds me that I'm not good enough and that all I've ever done is hurt you and I don't deserve you." He swallows, trembling. "And that voice has been so loud since last year and it won't shut up, it won't leave me alone, and it's right, it's all I've ever done - "

She runs a comforting hand through his hair. "No. No. That's not true. Do you really think I would have stuck this out for 22 years if that was the case?"

He wipes his eyes. "It doesn't matter. I don't care if I should know differently. That stupid voice. That's all I hear and that's all I think about. And I'm just..." he stops for a breath, "I'm just so tired of it. I'm just tired, I'm tired."

"Okay," she whispers as he wipes away tears. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here, it's okay." She reaches for his cheek. "Then let's fix it."

He furiously shakes his head. "I can't."

"Yeah, we can," she assures him, pressing her forehead against his. "I want to, more than anything. And you want to. So let's fix it."

"No, like..." he stares at the ground. "I fucked everything up, I can't."

"No, you didn't," she says, pulling him closer. "Look, everything that happened, we'll figure it out, okay? And we'll go from there. It'll be okay, I promise."

"I - no, Tess, no - I can't." He's panicked, his voice shaky and his breathing manic. It's scaring the shit out of her but she won't let him see that.

"Yes, you can," she repeats and cups his face as he mutters "I can't" over and over again. "Yes, you can. I don't care about everything before, we'll work that out. Please, let's," she reaches up to kiss his cheek, "let's do this. If nothing else I just want you to be alright, no matter what."

"I can't." He takes a shaky breath. "Please, just go."

"No." She strokes his face, wiping away his tears. "Whatever's going on, you're not alone in this, I promise you, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I swear on my life, I won't. We'll deal with it, we always do."

"Tess, please, I just - I don't want you to - "

"Don't want me to what?" He's shaking and she's trying to ground him with her touch, like always, except this time it isn't working and it's terrifying.

"You - you don't need to - you shouldn't - "

"Tell me. It's okay, just breathe and tell me." She looks to her left and sees Jackie approaching. Tessa shakes her head at her, begging her to get the message, and Jackie retreats, waiting at the end of the hallway.

He frantically blinks, not making eye contact. "No, I just don't - don't want you - " he breathes in, his eyes darting around, "I just don't want you to see me like this."

She squeezes back tears. "I've been here for way worse, you know that." She slides her hands down to his shoulders. "Come on. You know this doesn't matter to me."

Scott shoves her hands off and it's like a sharp pain running through her. "No. I did this, this is my fault, you should go."

"No."

"Tess, please."

"Tell me what I need to do."

"Stop. It's not going to be okay. Just go."

She feels like the wind has been knocked out of her. She regards him for a moment, then slowly backs away. "Okay." She glances over at Jackie, standing confused just a few yards down the hall.

"Just go." He moves back against the wall, hunched over. "Just...I'm sorry. I can't." He rubs his forehead. "I can't."

"Okay." Tessa takes a deep breath and steps further back, heading towards the elevator. She briefly meets Jackie's eyes on her way there. "All yours now," she mutters and walks away.

She hears Jackie call out "Tessa, what the hell?" before the elevator doors shut and she collapses against the back wall.

***

She braces herself against her hotel room bathroom sink and closes her eyes. It's been too much for one night. It's really been too much for one trip. Way too much for one year. She just wants to go to sleep and wake up five years from now when this is all over (who is she kidding, it'll never be actually over).

She doesn't want to talk to anyone for the rest of the trip. She doesn't want to answer questions from confused guests. She doesn't want to go home and face the "So how was the trip?" questions from her family. All she wants right now is to be left alone and for whatever's possessed her partner for the last half of the year to go the hell away.

Her makeup is off and she's ready for bed, finally, when a loud knock on the door breaks her thoughts. She pads over, glancing through the peephole, and sighs.

"Tessa? Please, I really need to talk to you." The voice from the other side sounds desperate, almost hopeless, and she pounds again. "Real quick, please."

Against her better judgement, she opens the door and lets her guest in. "I don't actually have anything to say to you right now," Tessa starts.

Jackie sighs and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear as she moves into the room. "Yeah, I know. But, like, what the hell happened there? He hasn't even come up to the room, I think he went straight to the bar." She's still dressed in her outfit from the night, a long floral maxi (which might be the most appropriate thing she's worn on this trip), her makeup is starting to smudge and her bun is falling out. It hasn't been a good night for anyone.

Tessa shakes her head. "Don't worry about it."

Jackie's eyes widen. "He had goddamn mental breakdown in the middle of the hotel and I'm not supposed to worry about it?? Bullshit."

Tessa rolls her eyes. "So why aren't you down there helping?"

"Oh, right, you think he's going to tell me anything? Because he's so great with that?" Jackie scoffs.

"Seriously, if you're so worried, why are you here?" Tessa points to the door. "Get down there and make sure he's okay."

"He won't let me!" Jackie exclaims.

"You were there, apparently he won't let me either." Tessa clenches and unclenches her jaw as Jackie recoils. "Don't pull this innocent shit. You've known something was wrong for months. Months."

"No, I didn't," Jackie insists. "Not like that. Not that bad."

"Shut up," Tessa snaps. "You were just telling me three weeks ago in Korea that he's depressed and drinking too much. This is not new to you. You are more or less the only person he's been around for almost half a year now and you've done shit to help. Don't act like you're totally oblivious and come to me with this. I want to do something and I can't and that really, really hurts. It is the worst feeling in the world. Don't put me in this position, please."

"You knew something was wrong for years and you didn't do shit about it," Jackie argues.

Tessa scoffs. "Fuck off. If you really think that's the case, I don't know what to tell you. I was there through all of this before. You are completely wrong if you think I haven't tried. I can't do it this time no matter how badly I want to."

"Neither can I!" Jackie rubs her temples. "Do you have any idea what it's like trying to get through to him?" She sighs. "I mean this...I have no idea how the hell any of this even happened."

"God, the two of you," Tessa mutters.

"What?" Jackie asks.

Tessa purses her lips and stares Jackie down. "It's like you both have this idea that everything since last year just magically happened, like his dick just fell into you in Nashville and he suddenly appeared in Florida and you just happened to stumble into the Walk of Fame by accident and you, what, stowed away in the cargo hold on the plane here because it just happened?"

"I don't know!" Jackie runs her hands through her hair. "I am totally at a loss. I don't understand any of this." She begins pacing around the room. "I totally fucked up my life for this, and ruined yours, and his is a fucking dumpster fire, and it's like, what for? Because he says nice things sometimes and he's fun at bars? Is that really worth all the bullshit?" She runs her hands through her hair. "I wish there was a way to take back everything from the last six months. I would do everything completely different."

Tessa tentatively sits next to her. "Come on. You know there's a lot more to this than that."

"Yeah, the part that you get," Jackie retorts. "It's not your fault, it's his. But if I'm not going to get that part, what's even the point?"

"You might," Tessa offers. "He's...he might get there."

Jackie tilts her head knowingly. "When? After the next breakdown? I'm not going to do that." She rolls her eyes. "Fuck, I'm going to be 34 next month. My family has, like, totally given up on me." She dramatically puts her head in her hands. "None of this is worth it."

The room is silent before Tessa speaks. "My birthday's in two days," she finally says, examining the pattern on the carpet. "30."

Jackie turns to her. "Wait, really?" Tessa nods. Realization crosses Jackie's face. "Hold on, when you guys signed up for this, was this supposed to be, like, your birthday getaway or something?" Tessa nods again, not meeting Jackie's eyes. "Shit."

Tessa chuckles. "Not how I planned on spending it, to be honest."

"God, I bet." Jackie plays with a loose thread on her dress. "I'm sorry your birthday trip turned out shitty," she offers, sympathetic. There's a beat. "Mark and I had a huge fight the day before my 30th."

"Yeah?"

Jackie exhales. "About whether or not I'd move to New York with him. I was, like, swearing up and down that I wouldn't do it because I thought it was pointless and dumb because he was just going to move back to Florida so he went out with some of his buddies that night. I ended up getting really drunk by myself and going to work with a massive hangover." She shifts. "Not a great look for someone working in a hospital. I can't believe I didn't get fired. Fucking Florida, man."

Tessa eyes her. "How come you didn't move with him?"

Jackie shrugs. "I thought it would be "too hard" to get relicensed in another state, and find a place to live, and I wouldn't make as much, and I hated the thought of not working for two years while he did the program, and I had no friends there, what would I do while he was in class and in clinicals, yada yada yada..." she trails off. "Like, it was me, me, me. That was all I cared about. He had gotten into his dream graduate program and I made it about myself. Which was...so awful of me. I'm such a selfish bitch." She stops and shakes her head. "Sorry, you're the one who got screwed in all this and you're having the shittiest week ever and I'm making it about myself, again. Surprise."

Tessa gives her a lopsided smile. "Sometimes it helps to vent."

"Why do you even listen to me talk?" Jackie wonders out loud. "Like, doesn't this all hurt?"

"Yeah," Tessa agrees. "Of course it does. But I guess I know what it's like for you so...there's that."

"Who do you talk to? Like, about this stuff?"

Tessa tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "I see someone once every other week, or do it through Facetime or Skype if I'm not at home. It's definitely helped."

Jackie squints at her. "No, I mean, like, actually talk. Like, I think it's great that you're doing it and he definitely should, oh my God, but you know, someone you don't have to pay?"

Tessa bites her lip and inhales. "I don't know right now."

Jackie furrows her brow. "You don't have friends you can go to? Or, like, Jordan or anyone?" She lightly laughs. "I guess what I'm saying is, how fucked up does it have to be that you're unloading on me right now?"

Tessa shrugs. "No, I do. It's just...no one can quite get this or what's going on."

"Yeah, but everyone's been through a bad breakup, right?" Jackie offers. "Like, there's something to be said for sympathy."

"Of course." Tessa pauses. "But...everyone has an opinion about it. About what I did wrong, or what he did wrong, or what I should be doing now, or why I'm doing what I'm doing, or how I should deal with it, or...whatever." She looks down nervously, staring at her lap. "I don't really want opinions right now. I just need to talk and vent without it turning into an interrogation or a lecture."

"I guess I get that." Jackie purses her lips. "So you just, like, you keep it in?" She pauses. "This is so rude of me, I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay." Tessa assures her. "It just kind of seems like every time I open myself up I get burned, so it's easier not to sometimes."

Jackie shakes her head. "That's so fucked. Not from you, but from them or whoever." She tentatively scoots closer. "I know you can't talk to me about this so just...I hope you find someone for that. I mean, someone who's not a therapist, you know? Like, you shouldn't be doing this all by yourself."

"It's okay," Tessa assures. "It's just kind of the way things are and the way they've always been. I'm always the one who's been there, I guess."

"What about him? Like, has he ever been there?"

Tessa nods. "When he wants to be, yeah."

"What if you needed him and he didn't want to be? Like, what if tonight had happened to you, would he have been there?"

Tessa pauses. "I don't know." She stares at the wall ahead. "I think he does want to be, he just doesn't know how."

"So, what, you're stuck doing all the heavy lifting? That's not okay."

Tessa gives her a knowing look. "Haven't you been doing the heavy lifting lately?"

Jackie scoffs. "Please. Neither of us have. It's so fucked." She looks over at Tessa. "But you always being there for him and him not, just because you're used to it, that doesn't mean it should be that way."

Tessa tries to formulate what to say next. "I don't think I have a choice," she says eventually, her voice quiet. "I'm afraid of what will happen to him if I'm not there."

Jackie's silent for a moment. "Can I ask you something, like, really personal?"

Tessa steels herself. "Okay."

Jackie's silent again, then begins tentatively, fidgeting. "What - what was your reaction when you found out? You know, about me?"

Tessa closes her eyes, ignoring the ball of nausea in her stomach that's reappeared, and searches for the right way of putting it. "You know how sometimes when people break a bone or get really badly injured they say they didn't feel anything, because their body just made them numb so they couldn't feel the pain? Because otherwise the pain would be overwhelming?" Jackie nods knowingly. "Like that." Tessa clenches her jaw. She is not going to get emotional, not in front of her. "It took a little while but then I wasn't numb and felt...everything." She turns to Jackie. "The last few months have just been feeling everything and trying not to."

Jackie pinches at the corners of her eyes. "Fuck. I'm sorry. I don't..." She wipes away a stray tear. "I'm sorry."

Tessa inhales to steady herself. "It'll be fine eventually." She swallows hard as Jackie looks over at her. "It has to be."

Jackie's buzzing phone in her bag breaks the moment and she fishes around for it. "''Hey, it's Devin on Scott's phone. He's kind of a mess. Bringing him back to the room now." Great." She throws it on the bed next to her. "I hate all of this."

"So we have one thing in common," Tessa mutters.

"Well, two," Jackie reminds her.

Tessa smirks. "Which is why we'll never be friends."

"Yeah, I know." She looks at Tessa, nervous. "And you're not gonna follow me on Instagram?"

"Absolutely not."

Jackie half-chuckles. "I thought it was worth another shot." She gestures towards the door. "I should go make sure he doesn't choke on his own vomit or, like, drown himself in the shower or whatever."

Tessa gives her a small smile. "Best of luck."

Jackie smiles back and pushes herself off the bed. "You okay?"

Tessa slowly breathes in. "Sure." She brings her feet in underneath her, sitting cross-legged on the bed. "Thanks."

"I hope this wasn't too weird."

"No, it was extremely weird," Tessa replies. "But thank you, regardless."

Jackie laughs. "I'll pop back in if he needs anything, okay? And I know it's weird but...you can let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks." Jackie shuts the door behind her, slipping out of the room.

Tessa sits on the bed, frozen in place. Flashbacks of the last few years run through her head. Scotland. The Great Wall. When he told her that it was over with him and Kaitlyn. Officially signing up with Marie and Patch. Moving to Montreal. When he told her he was ready to give them a shot and everything beautiful that came from that moment. The certainty leading up to Pyeongchang. The uncertainty afterwards. All of the times she should have told him she was ready. All of the times he didn't tell her anything. It's a giant weight of emotional baggage and she doesn't have a clue where to start unpacking.

It isn't until she's sure that Jackie isn't coming back that she lets herself fall apart and really cry for the first time in months.

**Author's Note:**

> I have chosen [the angstiest of Bruce songs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkFQHScyti0) for the angstiest of installments (also the song that gives this series its title). Also s/o to Kacey Musgraves' version of ["Neon Moon"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J-QsMC64kM) for the mood music. Enjoy.
> 
> Yell at me on Twitter at @suchplatonic.


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